I won't walk away unscathed. I cannot remain untouched. I want to leave this Friday and just leave. Too many good bye parties and dinners and events. Today was no different. My baby girl did it again. For the second year in a row, she received the "Most Improved" swimmer award at the annual swim team banquet. Again, my heart was swollen with pride and my eyes brimming with tears.
But more emotional than the award ceremony was the part where we had to part our ways with friends we love so much. Women who are like sisters to me, who squeeze me and begin to cry, damn them. I have been so strong and unemotional. I have been a rock to my kids and myself, wanting to pretend this is so easy and such an amazing adventure. Only to Marc have I cried aloud and expressed my doubt and concerns. I have agonized over the decisions we are making and buried my face in his chest looking for reassurance. I wanted to think everything is going to be okay. Maybe it is and maybe it will be, but today my heart aches saying goodbye to swim team friends. Today, Marc's response came back for the first time as, "I don't know what else to say, Pea." That is his polite way of saying I need to embrace this idea already. But this feeling of dread and darkness of what lies ahead is so foreign to me.
But how will we ever replicate what we have here? We have a family, a support team, a loving, cheering, enthusiastic network of people who care for us. Why start over? Is any amount of money worth it to leave? Not when I look at my kids and how they thrive in this environment. No amount of money will fill the void when I think of all of our friends and family here we leave behind. My chest aches when I think about how I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to dive in, rather, be pushed in, into the uncertain waters below. I hear the water there is warmer. And sharky.
No comments:
Post a Comment