What drives us? I have decided for me it is misery. The greater the misery and pain in my chest, the greater the longing in my heart- the more destitute I become- the greater becomes my need to reach for the ever-fading dream on the horizon. The farther out of my reach it seems, the faster I am going to run to try to touch it. With little hope in my heart, I am going to push to catch it, even if I die trying.
Marc has a conference in Los Angeles in November and I am counting the days to get out of here. When I look at and evaluate the circumstances, it all seems so obvious. I never aspired to grow up and simply be some one's wife. I never wanted to follow a man and his career across the country, lose my identity along the way, while rendering myself helpless to the elements. I can complain about everything around me, allow the circumstances to continue to spin blindly out of control, or I can stand up and get off this mundane ride. How much longer will I choose to sit back and allow Marc to continue to follow the track that has been worn ahead of him? He is passive, but I am not. The more he tells me no, the harder I am going to push for what I want, and that is the driving force I need out of mediocrity. Like the child who has an internal tantrum, I need to be told no so I can make it yes. Spankings never scared me.
The discontent in my heart is at an all time high, now with the high heat of summer here and kids back in the routine. The quick fix and distraction from the dull ache in my chest are the trips we have lined up on the books....the Carolinas, Atlanta, CA- but what about the long term cure? These are mere temporary treatments for the sickness that daily binds me- homesickness. It never ceases- it sometimes abates a bit when I can find happiness in the little things, but the big picture is still the same. How can we allow something like a stable job in this economy dictate our geographic location? Can we really put a price on happiness? Just as we cannot expect one person to meet all of our needs, we cannot sit at the station and wait for the perfect seat on the perfect commuter train to come. If this were the case, we would all be paralyzed forever- waiting for the perfect spouse, the perfect house, the perfect opportunity to LIVE.
I am ready to live now already. I am not getting any younger and I sure as hell am not getting any wiser.
