Love The One You're With

Okay, it sucks getting old-really. Today's race was a painful 1:16 for ten miles- 7:41/mile, which is usually my half marathon pace. Can't wait to see the photo of me vomiting over the finish line. An onlooker yelled to me as I crossed, "Come on, girl. You got it." Yep. I had it-vomit as the finale. The worst part was I met and ran with a nice man at the start and he happened to be waiting to see how I finished up, only to watch me puke. "Guess I know what kind of a day you had." He said to me. That about summed it up. Why do I always have to embarrass myself like that? So uncivilized. I knew it was going to hurt, and it did-that last mile really hurt.

After the race, the day proved to be really fantastic. Marc and I went out on the boat with fifty of our closest friends-Patti and her family pulled the yacht out for the occasion of St. Patrick's Day. I love the Irish-they make me wish I drank. Green beer and lots of laughs, these people know how to party under the sun. It was with great ceremony and precise detail the sailors navigated the huge boat out from the dock and down the fingers. I admit it was really cool to be part of it. We have such nice friends here and were it not for the balmy weather and lack of mountainous terrain, I might even want to stay a while.

I feel bad that my negativity has seeped into some of my running buddies' thoughts. Today on the boat, one such friend happened to mention that he has lost a little enthusiasm for our typical Tuesday/Thursday six mile loop at my suggestion (I think it was his nice way of saying my constant whimpering) and that made me feel really lame. It lead me to think: are we each capable of being content if not for some negative, vocal people? Do we innately believe that what we have is special because that is what we want to believe, or are we driven to want more? Is the six mile loop just absolutely perfect for those who know no other way or are we all looking for a little something more? In other words, until someone else puts some other idea out there, are we merely creatures of habit with our comforts and routines? Is it not until someone scandalous and self-righteous comes along that we question what we have?

I am always amazed at how many people within our running community are divorced, separated, twice and three times remarried, working on a new relationship, etc, whatever. Were they all content until someone else came along? Were these people originally happy until a new and better offer came knocking on their door? How do they feel about their status now? How did they lose the vision of the original plan and shift to Plan B? Don't get me wrong-several of these people seem very happy the second (and third) time around, but how did it come to pass? Certainly they didn't walk down the isle the first time with the thought that they would be doing it again in a handful of years?

I wonder if in the same way I am like this about my living situation? Florida is really okay, but I have tasted something else-something sweeter-and it beckons for me. I know what I want and it tempts and distracts me from what we have here. Will it not really be as green as I think it is when we go back? Florida has never been the long term relationship for me, so how long until we divorce? How do I invest myself completely in this relationship and environment when I am always longing for something else- the elusive other "man"? How long until "he" envelops me in his arms again, ever calling my name and whispering things that make my heart race to think about what "he" has to offer?

Marc always tells me how discontent I am; he says that I am never satisfied and always waiting on the next best thing. He always tells me as long as I don't change him out for the next item or attraction, he is okay with it, but food for thought, right? Being on the boat today with Patti and her family made me feel sad that we are not as tight with our own families, spending the afternoon together out in the sun, lounging on a huge vessel in the river. How can we? We are a whole country away from them. Then again, sometimes being in close proximity to family brings on a whole new set of problems and obligations, I realize. If life is full of experiences and opportunities, how can we begin to choose the ones that really suit us? How can we really know we are content with who and what we have? As humans, is it just in our nature to be fickle? Some of us more than others, I suppose.

Regulus

I signed on for a race-at long last. I have not had the heart to commit to anything and I am not sure why. I think it is a funk, but the funk has subsided and I felt motivated to put something on the books after a very long hiatus.

My daughter teaches me something everyday. Two years in a row at her old swim team, she won the award for "Most Improved Swimmer". Her coach told me she had the "heart of a lion" and those words have sat in my chest like the ache I feel when I long to be home. Those words roll off my tongue when I encourage her to push a little harder in a race. I use those words to water her little soul like nourishment to stand a little taller and work a little more. Those are the words I of think of when I think about what a great, driven kid she is and how she wants to excel in so many things she does. Heart of a lion sums her up when she clambers up tall oak trees and peers down at us from above. Unstoppable is she.

Regulus is the name of the star that marks the heart of the constellation Leo in the night sky. It is one of the brightest and most beautiful stars in the sky. Regulus shines uninhibited and on fire. I am hoping I might have a little heart Sunday and make my girl proud.