Second Best

Who decided that first is best? Why is it from a very young age, we decide we need to be first? My kids "race" each other to the top of the stairs and say, "I'm gonna win! I'm first!" Today at the park, 3 year old Dillon tells me ,when my boy was running ahead of us, "I need to be first." He sprinted as fast as his little legs would carry him to catch up. The reward at the "finish" was a pinata at the party we crashed. It didn't matter who was out in the front, since all of the park kids got a turn to hit Scooby Doo and collect the treats that fell from his innards. What have these little boys seen, what have we already taught them, knowingly or silently, about first being superior?

I have been reflecting on Soma like a looming deadline, a dark curse closing in on me. It feels as though a rush judgement was made to sign up for the half Ironman. It feels like a huge final I kind of half studied for, hoping I can simply fake my way through. I am hoping that I know the material, that I have retained the important information to pull off an acceptable result. What is acceptable to me? Well, I know I am not going to be first in anything there, certainly not my age group. Chances are, I may end up last, knowing how little I studied the bike. And, now, the crash course tutorial in swimming. It is kind of humorous, really. My only hope is a decent run with all of the miles I have logged, but I am terrified that my legs just will not carry me through after the workout that will preceed it that day.

First is not all that, I know. But "first" in my mind is working as hard as I possibly can to prepare, and I don't feel like I have really done that. Why have I not been more serious about the time on the bike? Why did I think I could do this with such a poor stroke? Why did I think my love of running would conquer all things Half Ironman? Silly. Oh, well. I will be the first to laugh at myself when it is said and done.