Balance?

What exactly is balance? I am not sure. This concept was raised again today at track. I try to teach my kids this novel idea of balance and things in moderation. We eat mostly healthy, but we allow ourselves treats, too. We get to purchase fun things, but we are on a budget, too. I want them to understand what it means to do things in moderation, but how can I expect them to follow through when my favorite saying is, "All things in moderation except exercise?" I cannot say no to a workout.

It is not even that I have guilt, so much, if I skip a workout. It is more that I feel as though I want to come out of my skin if I haven't sweat profusely for the day. I feel ancy and irritable and have less patience for things if I have not had my time to exercise in the morning. Yesterday I woke up with swollen lymph nodes and felt achy and generally flu-like. I got up, dragged myself into gym clothes and stood at the door for what felt like an eternity before I gave up on the idea and climbed back into bed. Hubs had already moved into my spot (read:dominated the whole bed), so I elbowed him back to his side and fell into the duvet. I drooled on the pillow, feeling pretty lousy, until almost 7 am! I can't remember the last time I slept that late? Of course, life as a mom doesn't stop for illness, so I still had to get up and take care of kids.

By 3 o'clock, I felt okay, and because the day was so beautiful, I put the kids in the double jogger and ran them to the library, park and back, about 8 1/2 miles total. So, even on a sick day, I could not shake the feeling of wanting to move my body. I needed it. I needed to get out and feel my legs over the pavement. Is this nuts? I didn't think so, until I heard the warning at track this morning.

"You need to rest. There is no reason you should not have run a 3:15 marathon the way you were trained..." Help me on this one. The way I was "trained" I thought prepared me to go fast, yes? But this particular friend of mine brought me to tears when she said again that I could have had a fast marathon had I taken more recovery and more rest, more taper. I felt like I did everything right. I think that is why it brought me to tears. The tears sprang to my eyes with raw emotion, as raw as I felt shortly following the race. It surprised me how sad I still apparently am over the whole thing. I cannot let it go, try as I might. Every one of my friends, all of my track buddies , my husband, too...they all think I am capable of a 3:15 or 3:20 marathon. That is right about where the charts put me, as well, based on my half marathon times. So why can I not pull it off?

"Rest" she says to me. "Balance", she lectures me. I need hobbies and more intellectual things to do apart from just exercising in my free time, according to her. This is coming from a retired pro triathlete. Is she crazy? Is this the kettle calling the pot black? I was completely befuddled and I am sure I looked at her sideways. Are we not all obsessed with this sport? Do we not all think it is totally fun to kill ourselves doing repeats of one kind or another? Yes, call it compulsive, but I love the routine I keep, week in and week out. I love climbing the hills, running the miles, and lifting the weights. I am almost coming to appreaciate a small affection for lap after lap in the pool (until I realized just how many laps translates to a Half Ironman distance swim). How could she tell me I need to rest??? How could she pour salt in the raw wounds of the marathon and insult me like that? How could she, of all obsessive people, lecture me about taking a day off? My mouth was agape, when it was not quivering from crying. I felt like a child in her presence. Was it because maybe I felt she could be on to something? I still do not want to face that possibility. Tonight, I still cannot tolerate that thought. I love the sport and I love to workout in any form. I cannot bear the idea of "time off" from something I crave so much, every single day.

Tonight I am looking at a training program a different friend of mine followed for a Half Ironman program and it seems it is not as much as I am doing even now. The time on the bike is more than I am committed to at the moment, but, in general, I think I have a pretty good base. So, here I am, questioning my whole routine, my whole exercise philosophy, my core being. Am I training too much? Am I not resting enough? Is a 50K a bad idea so closely following a marathon and 8 weeks in front of a Half Iroman, which is 10 weeks in front of another marathon I hope to do? How am I so shaken now? I thought the plan was brilliant and yet words of warning spoken to me this morning have rattled me completely. I want to be smart. I want to be injury free. I want to be a good mom and role model to my kids. I want to be a healthy and giving wife to my hubs. Where exactly is the balance? Am I in the thick of it like I thought, or am I kidding myself? Is balance simply a state of mind and we all have different definitions in our own? How does my place of moderation compare to my next door neighbors? They think we are psycho for what we do. I would like to think we are striving to be better than we once were. Exercise makes me better at everything I do. It motivates me to be better in every arena of my life. I am driven. My workouts are the gauge of this. So, am I obessed? Sure. I know I am. I guess I will have to live with that and know my marathon times will not be what they "should" be until I am willing to alter the program to something I am not ready to sacrifice for just yet.