Determined

I feel reckless. Restless and reckless. Aimlessly wandering through the weeks, unattached from anything. I feel like I need to be saved from myself. Decently content when it comes to training and companions with whom I do so. Speed workout is great and Friday Boys Run remains my favorite weekly workout. They talk about nothing serious and there is no drama; it is easy to just run and to just be. Oh, and they run fast.
Sunday brought another 5K. Marc was second overall without even trying. I want to be like that: brave enough to enter something that painful and talented enough to not even sweat. He doesn't even realize how fortunate he is after all this time. I look at the pictures of him and I think what an incredibly cute guy. I know all of my girlfriends wish they could sleep with him. ;)
Swim meet all weekend and my girl is no different than her father--cool and collected, without a care in the world. Junior Olympic meet the 18-19 for those who qualify. I guess we're going to Clearwater. I think I am excited but I just can't seem to access what I should be feeling.
I think about so many people from my former life who feel like a distant memory now. I don't want to go home for the summer, because it is just too hard to leave them again. My sister is getting married in April and we are all in the wedding. It hardly feels worth it to fly home to only stay a week, but looking forward to hanging with her. I often wonder what I would be like and where I would be if I weren't extracted from my roots. Maybe I wouldn't like the person I would have become. Maybe I would be aloof and self-serving. Maybe I wouldn't appreciate all life has to offer if I felt like I had everything already. My mom used to say that about all of the kids at my high school, that they had nothing to look forward to since they already drove Porsches and BMWs, but I never understood what she meant. I think I am still processing it, because I'm quite certain I would have been just fine driving a 500 series. Then again, I am so different from who I was back then, but who am I?
I think of the growing pains I have endured the last three and a half years and it causes me to consider isn't that what life really is? We are always growing and changing and adjusting, within ourselves and within our relationships. What appears to be something we want one day may not suit us at all in five years, unless we choose to rearrange and reconsider priorities. How much can we alter our likes and desires? Can I be talked into something I really don't want? How many times must we change our position to see it from a new perspective? Why, as humans, are we always searching for more, more, more?
My mother never pays me any compliments or offers accolades, but one word she always uses to describe me is "determined". I think that is all I need from her, or anyone, really. I don't care what else can be said of me, but "determined" implies everything I hope to be.