Purgatory

Uncertain dread is the general emotion today. Still floating somewhere between dream and reality, but the feeling has evolved more into the space between heaven and hell,,,,purgatory? Heaven is being home in the Bu with family and friends, lounging by the pool. Hell is the certain destination I face on Wednesday: hauling the kids to the airport, more tearful goodbyes, a day of travel and too many DVDs and junk food for the kids en route. Then, ultimately, the sweltering heat and humidity. And the bugs. And the snakes. And the wildlife, in general of that other state.

Of course, the obvious treat at the end of the travel will be reuniting with the husband I feel so far removed from. My life feels so disjointed. I am a single parent, living a luxurious lifestyle right now, albeit it not my own. I am so tired of living out of a suitcase, but living in dread of what is to come. I hate that Marc has been across the country from us for this long, unpacking boxes and arranging a house I have not even seen, while I parade around with his friends and take in the delicious sights all around me. I have no sense of what our new home even looks like, though he claims it is large and nice. I hate the fact that he has been cleaning and organizing and I am so helpless here, waiting for, or more like prolonging, the inevitable. Not wanting to-being fearful of-see what is to come. It leaves me with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach.

"Pea," he says to me today, "You are really going to love it here. It is so hot, you are never going to want to eat and all you will do is drink water. I think I have seriously lost ten pounds already." As if coaxing me back into my anorexic roots is a consolation for leaving everything here. Maybe I will end up with a smoking hot body since the weather is so smoldering all the time, but where was he going with that statement, anyway?

Purgatory is really not a fun place to be. Waiting for something that might be really great or could be really bad is not a very good feeling at all. The anticipation is killing me already.